


Flat Chat

by ArkadyFlowers



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Domestic Fluff, M/M, Social Media, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-03 21:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5306822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArkadyFlowers/pseuds/ArkadyFlowers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Penny decides the group needs a three-way WhatsApp to sort out the mundanities of life (despite one of them not actually living there, Baz, come onnn...). But text conversations, we all know, have a habit of getting off-topic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flat Chat

**♠♪ smart arse ♪♠ has added you to the group**

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Okay. I've decided we need a group WhatsApp, because there might as well be three of us living at the flat. 

 

me:  
Okay then.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
cool.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
So the purpose is mostly for household sort of things. It seems pointless to do a full runaround of both of you to see if Baz is even coming over and who's available to, say, grab some loo roll.  
Everyone okay with that?

 

me:  
Our not being okay with it wouldn't actually make much difference, would it. ;-)

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Well, no.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
im fine with it  
seems like a good idea

 

me:  
Snow. Seriously. How do you do that?

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Okay, great!

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
do what?

 

me:  
Tragically lack capitalisation. Your phone literally automatically puts proper capitalisation at the beginnings of sentences.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Guys?  
Guys. We actually are out of loo roll.

 

me:  
Did you discover this /on/ the loo??

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
No!

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
really?

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
No. I discovered it this morning as I was running out of the door and the corner shop will be closed by the time I get back tonight. Can someone please just pick some up?

 

me:  
I'll get it.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
/Thank/ you.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
what time are you finished?

 

me:  
19:30

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
see you about 8 then?

 

me:  
Of course xx

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
xxx

 

me:  
Xxxx

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Guys! Household chat! I'm actually renaming this group "Flat Chat" so you two don't get confused.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
xxxxx

 

  
* * *

 

me:  
I honestly may expire of sheer boredom if one of you doesn't text me. The place is empty.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
i'll come down if you like x

 

me:  
Oh, please. Xx

 

  
* * *

 

  
♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Sorry, I know I'm late but I wasn't looking at my phone! Everything okay?

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
the place got busy.

 

me:  
You're bad luck, clearly xx

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
thought you were mopping the back? x

 

me:  
I am mopping the back. Xx

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
mop faster so we can go home. x

 

me:  
Wipe a few tables down while you wait, would you? Use the blue cleaning stuff behind the counter; there are cloths there too.

 

  
♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Doesn't your manager mind Simon hanging around after you're closed?

 

me:  
My manager's just had to get used to it…

 

  
♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Right. That's got to be against at least a couple of rules.

 

me:  
More than a couple but you're a fine one to talk about rule-breaking, Bunce.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Touchè.

 

me:  
Heading home now.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
"Home"???

 

me:  
Easy on the punctuation, there.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Hmmmm.

 

  
* * *

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Baz.  
Baz.  
Basilton.  
BASILTON GRIMM-PITCH.  
TYRANNUS BASILTON GRIMM-PITCH!  
Damn it, I realise caps lock won't make your phones beep any more loudly but will you WAKE UP,  IF YOU'RE NOT AWAKE YET  
BAZ!!!

 

me:  
Crowley and Crystal, Bunce, was there any need to call us and hang up? Twice? Each??

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
IF YOU'RE NOT READY IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK.  
You were both sound asleep on the couch when I left this morning  
Are you leaving yet?

 

me:  
It's fine. I'll be fine.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
It's quarter to ten.

 

me:  
SHIT I'M GOING TO BE LATE

 

  
* * *

 

  
♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
sorry?!??

 

me:  
It's okay, love, I got here on time. Just.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
yes  
and that is good, really  
but now im stuck in the house all day

 

me:  
You have legs, Snow.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
yes  
i do have legs  
i also have fucking great wings and a tail

 

me:  
Ah. Yes.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
and you didn't even think to do a nothing to see here  
I hate nothing to see (as you very well know) (because it's irritating) but better than nothing...

 

me:  
I was sort of in a rush, Snow.  
You could clean the kitchen?

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
the kitchen is fine?

 

me:  
The kitchen is a state.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
well. there's some washing up…

 

  
♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Would you clean the kitchen up Simon? That would be great. :-)

 

me:  
Thanks, Bunce.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
pennyyy! ... were you two plotting?

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Nobody was ever plotting, Simon. Sheesh.

 

  
♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
I cant believe neither of you did a droids or nothing to see... thanks very much guys.

 

me:  
I still can't do the droids one. Besides, I don't see the problem.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
it's sort of obvious??!

 

me:  
Oh, I know, and I'm sorry I didn't think to cover you when I left, but. I mean. I just don't notice any more.  
And I like them.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
you do?

 

me:  
Crowley, Snow, you hadn't /noticed/? I love them. And the tail...

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
...oh. well... ;-)  
I mean that does not help today  
at all  
im still a little annoyed  
but

 

me:  
I'll make it up to you later. Promise. Xxx

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
promise..?

 

me:  
Absolutely. Xxxx

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥

 

me:  
♥♥

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥♥

 

me:  
♥♥♥♥

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Guys...

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥♥♥♥

 

me:  
♥♥♥♥♥♥

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Guys, come on.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Are you ever going to stop this?

 

me:  
Maybe.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
maybe not

 

me:  
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
You have entire conversations in heart emotes, don't you...??

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

  
**♠♪ smart arse ♪♠ has left the group**

 

  
* * *

  
**♠♪ smart arse ♪♠ has been added to the group**

me:  
Hello again, Bunce.

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Hello.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
hi.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
It took you two days to notice I was gone.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
be fair: I was texting you separately that whole time.

 

me:  
As was I.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
you two text?

 

me:  
Of course?

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
I like to know when he's haunting the door.

 

me:  
Um. Always. Obviously.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
not /always/. sometimes you're already inside xx

 

me:  
True. ^^ xxx  
Since we're back in business on the Flat Chat, Bunce, could you get conditioner on your way home, please?

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Conditioner.

 

me:  
Yes. If you'd be so kind.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Bring your own conditioner.

 

me:  
I did. Then it ran out. Now I'd like you to get more, please.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
I'm not going all over town for your fancy conditioner.

 

me:  
John Frieda will do, thank you.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
That's bloody expensive!

 

me:  
... I'll pay you back. Though I did get the loo roll. And the bin liners. And the Dettol for the kitchen.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Can't you get it yourself on your way back?

 

me:  
I'm not in today. I would have thought you would know that.  
Given you apparently know my work schedule.  
Thanks for that, by the way.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Welcome. So... you're in the flat, aren't you?

 

me:  
Yes.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Is that why Simon's quiet?

 

me:  
He says hi from somewhere in the region of my chest.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
At least that spares me the hearts...  
I'll get conditioner.

 

me:  
Thanks, Bunce.

 

  
* * *

 

me:  
Hi. Xxx

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
heyy. xxxx  
miss you.

 

me:  
Miss you more. Xxx

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
i doubt that

 

me:  
I'm pretty sure.  
♥

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥

 

me:  
♥♥♥

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥♥♥

 

me:  
♥♥♥♥♥

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥♥♥♥♥

 

  
* * *

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
I leave you two alone in this group for one day, and this is what I come back to?

 

me:  
Sorry...

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Forty lines of hearts.  
FORTY  
You have each other's numbers!! You could do this..../not/ in the group?

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
sorry pen. lost track a bit.  
wait...  
is forty a new record?

 

me:  
The record was fifty-three lines.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
oh well then...

 

me:  
>;D  
♥

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥

 

me:  
♥♥♥

 

  
** ♠♪ smart arse ♪♠ has left the group**

 

  
* * *

 

  
**♠♪ smart arse ♪♠ has been added to the group**

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
WE'RE SORRY

 

me:  
So much so that Snow has found the shift key and evolved into upper-case.

 

  
♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
really. we are. we talked about it.

 

me:  
We're very sincerely sorry for spamming the group chat with seventy-eight lines of hearts.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
we promise we won't do it again.

 

me:  
(However much I want to get to a nice round hundred.)

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
baz. behave. come on.

 

me:  
You know you do too.

 

  
* * *

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
penny, come on, merlin's balls. we weren't even on the group chat.

 

me:  
And I got bollocking for texting at work.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Serves you right!

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
we're talking in person all the time so you can't be that mad.

 

me:  
We woke up covered in a blanket we did not go to sleep under (thanks). You /can't/ be too angry.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
I'm not. Not really.  
Just... Tone it down. At least here. This was supposed to be a sensible place for ordinary household requests.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
okay. sorry, penny.  
anyone want pizza tonight?

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
You two really should stop sleeping on the couch.

 

me:  
We don't mean to!  
I'm indifferent to pizza - sounds fine.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Please, please have the every-single-time "What pizza?" argument off this chat.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
we're both in the flat. we just wanted to both text you to apologise.

 

me:  
And promise we'll be good.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
You two do not know the meaning of the word 'good'.  
Pizza sounds great.  
See you about 8.

 

  
* * *

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Guys, we need more Dettol, milk, bread, cornflakes, several new tea-towels since someone set three on fire, tea bags, and is it asking too much for one of you to get sanitary towels while you're there?

 

me:  
I will. Finish at 1830 - that alright?

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Perfect, thanks. Remarkably chill about the towels!

 

me:  
You know the tea towels were... Not quite an accident, but... Well...

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
something you're never doing again. you could have gone up in smoke.

 

me:  
More 'getting carried away'.  
So could you. So could the flat. I'm /really good with fire/, Snow, stop it. Xxx

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
I meant the pads, actually...

 

me:  
Oh, that. I have sisters. I knew this day would come.

 

  
  
* * *

 

me:  
I'm on the close tonight - can someone get shower gel and cigarettes please x

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
shower gel yes, cigarettes no. xx

 

me:  
Pleeease. It's been a very very long shift.

 

  
* * *

 

 

me:  
Please.  
Please.  
Go on.  
Don't ignore me.  
Snoooww.  
Simon.  
Sweetness?

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Good grief, I will, just so you don't devolve into the blasted hearts.

 

me:  
♥ Bunce.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
♥♥ And that's IT. We stop there.

 

me:  
Oh, you weren't getting more than one x

 

  
* * *

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Kitchen roll again

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
im on it

 

  
* * *

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
can one of you tits who again didn't do anything about the wings please pick up washing up liquid, cheers

 

me:  
Sorry, love. Will do. Xx

 

  
* * *

 

me:  
♥

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥

 

me:  
♥♥♥

  
**♠♪ smart arse ♪♠ has left the group**

 

  
* * *

 

  
**♠♪ smart arse ♪♠ has added you to the group**

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Okay. I've decided we should stop messing about and just have two. Mind, I won't be checking the other one regularly. All serious household requests go here. Okay?

 

me:  
Okay.

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
we promise.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Great.

 

  
* * *

 

me:  
~~~~~~{@

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
awww, for me?

 

me:  
But of course.

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Well... It's not hearts but it's pretty close to the line, Baz.

 

me:  
Oh, bugger. Sorry. Wrong chat.

 

  
* * *

 

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥

 

me:  
♥♥

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥♥

  
**♠♪ smart arse ♪♠ has left the group**

 

  
* * *

 

  
**♠♪ smart arse ♪♠ has added you to the group**

 

♠♪ smart arse ♪♠  
Guys, new system.  
I got us a huge stack of post-its. They're on the kitchen bench. All sensible household requests now go on post-its.

 

me:  
How is that going to work if one of us is out?

 

  
**♠♪ smart arse ♪♠ left the group**

 

me:  
But...??

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
we'll work it out.

 

me:  
We always do x  
♥

 

♫♥ȣ* IDIOT *ȣ♥♫  
♥♥

 

me:  
♥♥♥

 

  
* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Written on a dare (thanks - you know who you are!). Feedback on the modern-day epistolary style is very welcome, as are any other comments!


End file.
